At a recent popular annual event in Indianola, Iowa hosted by retiring Senator Tom Harkin, the nation was reminded of just what we’re in for when Hillary 2016 starts barnstorming hamlets and state fairs across the country in support of the candidate’s lifelong goal—connecting on an emotional level with even a single voter.
Before Hillary and Bill fake-grilled steaks in front of supporters, the potential candidate stuffed us full of the following whoppers:
- “Good to see you! You guys having a good time? We’re having a good time today.”
No, you’re in the ninth circle of Hell, slumming it with ordinary folks and begging for their votes due to an American electoral quirk that crowns Iowa’s caucus as the first unofficial national Presidential primary. It’s a good thing your dais was so far from the crowd, because if you were any closer, folks’ jaws would drop at the disconnect between your fake grin and your contemptuous eyes.
- “Hello, Iowa! I’m back!”
Hillary makes it sound like she was ever really there, or like she ever wants to recall her time in Iowa rather than obliterate it from memory. She was trounced and humiliated by a junior Senator and a pretty-boy philanderer in 2007, and she’d rather be sewing Monica Lewinsky knee pads than revisiting Iowa.
- “It really does feel like just yesterday when I was here. As I recall, there was a young senator from Illinois there, and I wonder whatever happened to him.”
Of course Hillary has been thinking nonstop about Obama, grinding her teeth over the fact that the notoriously inexperienced community organizer—who her husband once claimed should be getting real politicians coffee—beat her to the punch solely because she’s so hideously unlikeable. After reluctantly joining his administration, Hillary started counting the days till she could resign as Secretary of State and hop aboard the coattails of the second Commander-in-Chief she’s tried to ride to the Presidency.
- “We [Obama and I] went from rivals to partners to friends.”
No, you went from smug condescension toward Obama to venomous enemies to using him as a stepping stone to further your ambitions. You were never partners except in advancing your political careers; and you were never friends, because you’ve never had any real friends, only people you use, people who fawn over you, and people you throw lamps at.
- “Under President Obama’s leadership, our economy is on the road to recovery.”
If by “recovery” you mean historic withdrawal of able-bodied workers from the labor force and miserably low levels of job creation, then yes!
- “I’ve got a few things on my mind these days.”
You’ve had only one thing on your mind since the day you graduated from Wellesley, which is to be President, President, President, even if you have to eke out victory on your deathbed and run the country for 200 days like President James Garfield, just so you can go down in history as the woman who cracked the glass Presidential ceiling.
- “First, and most importantly, Bill and I are on constant grandchild alert.”
First and most importantly you’re on constant alert for Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden to get caught up in massive scandals. But perhaps Chelsea’s offspring is second!
- “And then of course there’s that other thing. Well, it is true. I am thinking about it. But for today that is not why I am here. I’m here for the steak.”
This may be true. Hillary probably does love steak, or some equally hearty fare.
- “Too many people only get excited about presidential campaigns. Look, I get excited about presidential campaigns, too.”
You don’t get excited about Presidential campaigns, you run your marriage, your life, and your hairstyles around them, and your plea to Iowa fans to get excited about the midterms is genuine only in that you care if they’ll help you get elected. If your political strategists calculate that you’ll be more likely to win the Presidency in 2016 with Republicans taking the Senate, then you’ll be scheming behind the scenes to bring about that outcome.
10. “Let’s not let another seven years go by.”
You’d let eternity go by if you never had to walk in a pantsuit through grassy, tick-filled plains with tacky middle Americans gawking and screaming while your husband captures all the attention.
Politicians are by definition artificial, but Hillary Clinton would hold the distinction of being the fakest President ever elected.
- With appearance in Iowa, Clinton takes a big step toward 2016 (reuters.com)
- Hillary Loves To Keep ‘Em Guessing (nyulocal.com)
- Hillary Clinton makes stop in Iowa (cinewsnow.com)
- Clinton returns to Iowa amid speculation over 2016 bid (itv.com)
- At first Iowa event since 2008, Hillary Clinton teases presidential buzz (cbsnews.com)